Bikini's

So this is my first real attempt at a blog post, so bear with me, I'm trying my damned-est.

It really hit me today at work while I was shoving my face full of peanut butter cups ( I work at a bank, we always have the candy bowl for the customers, which is so god awfully tempting!) that it's bikini buying season. Now if you know me, I've only worn a bikini once in my life and that was in Cancun and that's when I was at my all time low for weight, 146. I was 15, involved with volleyball and dance like hardcore. Dance was over 6 hours per week and that shit ain't easy. MAJOR WORKOUT. PLUS, it was Mexico. No one really gives a shit about what you look like because you're just there to relax and enjoy yourself.

Anyways...

Even then I wasn't super comfortable with myself because I wasn't a skinny-minny.I had joined WW because I was a fatty growing up. At the age of 16, I was a size 9, but people always told me that that I didn't look my weight, that I carried it "well". At the time, I believed it. I had a square build, no waist, no hips, no boobs (ok...maybe a small B...but really nothing fun). Looking back at pictures, I looked awesome. I was definitely in the right weight range for my height - 5'8"- and age. But back then? Ugh...I hated my weight. I still wasn't as skinny as the other girls. Boys didn't like girls that were larger than a size 2. But this is a whole 'nother story...

Back to bikinis...

I would love to be able to wear one this summer, but I know I have a long way to go. I've gained a lot of weight through college and meeting my wonderful boyfriend, B. I haven't even had kids yet, and I've gained a ton of weight. How much is a lot? I graduated high school at roughly 155 (my all time favorite weight). College I graduated at 190. Current weight: 235.

OMG....GROSS...

I have gained 78 lbs. since high school; 35 of it during college and the other 44 after I met B. WHY????? Why have I let myself get this way? You know why? I'M A LAZY ASS and I have commitment issues with diet and exercise.

I want to change. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of having to reach for the back of the rack to find the largest size of everything for clothes. I'm sick of cutting the tags off my clothes because I'm embarrassed for people to see the size of me. I'm sick of B's mom and my mom always talking about weight and fad diets. I want to do it the right way. I want to find the inner Steph that people used to know. I want to be able to dance like no body is watching, because trust me, people are ALWAYS watching, more like gawking when a big girl dances. For the summer, I want to be the girl in a swim suit and not have a care in the world.

Tomorrow will be the true test. I'm going to start watching what I eat (My Fitness Pal, love it!), actually utilizing my gym membership that I've had since October and rarely use, and actually give a shit about life and what I do with it. World are you ready for me? Let's go...

P.S. I'll be sharing pictures soon. I just need to be able to get my hands on some old ones for comparison.